DOG DOOR DEATH III
DDay
Working in the corporate world is tough. But working in the corporate world and being a suburban counter-vermin militia commando having home guard responsibilities can be even tougher. After a long day at work, the commute into and back out of Manhattan, I am quite spent. But some days guard duties call and today was such a day when commander and chief officer, Mrs. DDay, sounded that all to familiar call to duty....."There's that squirrel at my bird feeder again".
Now before getting into the specific events of Dog Door Death III, it is important to be able to recognize your local suburban commando, because you'll never know when you need one, and they normally don't go out patrolling the streets in their camo or ghillie suits. But with a little practice, you'll be able to spot them, at least the corporate ones who lead a dual life, because they do wear certain clothing that subtly, but clearly says... I AM HERE TO PROTECT YOUR BIRD FEEDERS from all the suburban vermin terrorists that would steal and loot from the innocent and defenseless.
First, the give away for most suburban commandos is the hat. If you ever bump into one of these guys in the city public transportation, it is best to give them a wide berth because one never knows when vermin terrorists will strike. To those who are lesser trained in the clothing of the suburban/corporate commando, you can usually look for a piece of clothing that says 'I am at your service should you be threatened by suburban vermin.
In my case, I wear the tie of the ORDER OF FORTUNE 500 VERMINATORS as my outer symbol of rank in the suburban counter-vermin militia. Note the squirrels over carrot pieces. This symbol stems back to 1897 when the Verminator Militia of Wall Street was first established. Although the colorings and patterning has changed over the years, it is still a symbol of rank that only a select few have had the honor to wear. If you find yourself in need of a suburban counter-vermin commando and spot the tie or similar runes, but are still not sure that you are dealing with a certified member of the militia, you can always ask for the soldier's secret verminator insignia which he is required to wear at all times.
Although they are all similar, the secret verminator insignia tells a lot about the skill level and length of service in suburban counter-vermin duties. In the case of the example above, this soldier is of high status in service as evidenced by wearing of the double squirrel insignia. The numbers associated with the insignia indicate brigade, company, and unit to which the soldier is attached as well as area responsibilities in his unit which usually corresponds to one or several back yards.
Now that we have that cleared up, back to Dog Door Death III. In my case, I live in a heavily populated area where stealth is of utmost importance to the execution of duties and responsibilities of my position. Hence, I have constructed a dog door into the back yard for which I am responsible. This door serves as the perfect cover and blind for all anti-vermin campaigns in whcih I have been involved over the years. Similarly, my neighbor, who is also in my suburban company, has a blind from his 2nd story bathroom window. Between the two of us, we can effectively cover 4 back yards.
The blind and cover for Dog Door Death
In the case of today's campaign, it proved to be an extremely difficult one, and I was not as prepared as I should have been. First, upon receiving the call to arms, I immediately picked up my assigned weapon - the FX Cyclone MK 1 and noticed that I was only at about 90 BAR of pressure. This created concerns because I normally don't do my work at below 100 BAR. Thank goodness for the training received at Quantico because we spent a lot of time studying trajectory changes in sub-optimal power situations. I also had to make a mental note that being a suburban anti-vermin commando does not release me from my basement maintenance duties.....whew that floor at the blind/door needs cleaned.. Court Martials have been known to occur, even after successful battles, if the necktie rune is soiled in the process of performing ones' duties.
OK, that aside, the vermin-terrorist was quickly depleting supplies intended for our feathered friends which I am sworn to defend. Fortunately, today's terrorist presented with an easy shot, so this one was simply a matter of getting into position, and compensating for the sub-optimal power situation with the Cyclone MK I. As usual, the Cyclone performed to expectations, once again earning its label of 'best anti-vermin weapon ever deployed' (General George S Platten - in the Easton, CT Vermin Campaign). With a few twitches, and a little bleeding it was mission accomplished!
Once again the suet has been protected and the vermin has paid the price!
Normally, I'd expect a battle ribbon for duties performed, but today's Dog Door Death turned out to be just another routine day in protecting my assigned post. Actually I am grateful that my commander did not notice the stain on my rune. Now it's off to the domestic duty of cleaning that floor and burying the dead.